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Conflict Management

Why is coping with conflict important?

Differences of opinion are part of life. It is not always bad, but it does need to be managed at work and at home.

Where does it come from?

People in the same situation can have very different feelings or ideas about what to do. For example, one supervisor may yell at a late employee while another may ignore him.

It may arise over power. For instance, a couple may have conflict over who should make decisions about spending money.

Is it healthy?

It can be healthy when it brings differences out into the open so they can be talked about. Differences of opinion help people develop a sense of who they are, a sense of self.

They help people to take responsibility for stating how they feel. They can lead to people being more motivated and creative due to being open to new ideas and ways of thinking other than their own.

How do people manage it?

Because people are not the same, they deal with it differently. Also, some are small and easily managed. If a conflict is not very important to you, you may give in without feeling that too much was lost.

Some of the ways people manage it:

Competition. You may be assertive and not cooperate because you feel that if you do not win in a certain situation, you are a loser. This style is used by assertive people in situations they care deeply about. It may have the disadvantage of making the other person feel that he or she has "lost."

Avoidance. You may not talk about them. This may be because you fear expressing difficult feelings or because you just do not care about the issue or about the other person. This style can work well in situations that are not really important to you.

Accommodation. The person with this style gives in to the other person because he may feel guilty about "winning" anything for himself or because the other person has much more power than he does. You may get a reputation for being easy-going, but then resent that the other person always gets his or her way.

Collaboration/Compromise. People with this style talk about it openly because they feel confident in their ability to manage it. They recognize that both parties may not get all their needs met, and actively look for "win-win" solutions. This style can be used for major or complex conflicts in which both sides are committed to finding solutions.

Most people have one style of managing it that comes naturally to them. It is important to be able to use any of the four styles. People can be taught to manage it. For example, you need to be able to compromise if you are a natural competitor. Decide whether an issue is important to you, whether the other person's feelings are important to you, and what you will win or lose by using a certain conflict strategy with that person.

What are the key steps to resolve it? Major conflicts can be resolved in the following way if both parties are willing to participate:

1. Set aside a time and place to deal with it. Choose a period of time, like an hour, and stick to it. This keeps conflict from dragging on in an unhelpful way.

2. Each person writes down his view of what the conflict is and reads it aloud to the other person.

3. Each person writes down and reads aloud to the other his feelings and dissatisfactions about it.

4. Each person writes down and then reads aloud to the other what he needs and wants and what his goals are in relation to it.

5. During steps (2), (3), and (4), each person listens carefully to the other.

6. In a role reversal, each person argues the other's point of view (rather than his own) to make sure that each really listened to the other.

7. Each person lists and then shares aloud with the other how goals can be achieved, using compromise if needed.

8. Focus on "win-win" situations in which both people feel that some of their needs are met.

9. If necessary, use a facilitator (any neutral third party who can listen well) to keep the process on track and on time.

10. Write a contract for a plan of action, including what each party agrees to do, how they will do it, and by when.

11. Agree on how the contract will be put into effect and set up a follow-up meeting to see how things are working out.

How can it be avoided?

They sometimes happen because people have not been listening to each other or have been pursuing their own goals without paying attention to others. Since conflict is harder to resolve when it has gone on for a long time, being able to prevent conflict can be important.

Conflicts can sometimes be avoided by:

using active listening skills (such as eye contact and repeating the key points you have heard to show you understand)

balancing assertiveness with being accommodating to avoid becoming resentful and angry, because anger brings on more of it

trying to be more tolerant and accepting of others

increasing the amount of support you give to others by letting them know that you understand their position (this does not mean you have to change your own position)

Those that are unresolved can lead to blaming others, angry feelings, fear, and hurt feelings. When conflicts are resolved, people can work better together as a team (raising children, for example) and have the boost in self-esteem that comes from working through something difficult.

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Published by RelayHealth.

This content is reviewed periodically and is subject to change as new health information becomes available. The information is intended to inform and educate and is not a replacement for medical evaluation, advice, diagnosis or treatment by a healthcare professional.

Written by Lee Scheingold, MSW.

© 2008 RelayHealth and/or its affiliates. All rights reserved. Copyright © Clinical Reference Systems 2008 Adult Health Advisor Copyright © 2008 Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. www.nursingconsult.com